Drunken Debauchery Down in the Dungeon
by Ivory Tower
Summary: The incident was crazy enough with Snape and Lucius forcing the class to do unwholesome things. Then Sirius walked in and things got completely out of hand!


Title: Drunken Debauchery Down in the Dungeon  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.  
  
"Damn and blast! I have to go and teach that nasty little cretin, Potter. Longbottom's in there too. Shit! What a horrid day this shall be," grumbled Snape as he stumbled to his feet and grabbed the back of a chair for support.  
  
"I have a brilliant suggestion, Severus. Let me help you supervise your class."  
  
Snape shrugged and said, "Fine. Draco will be there as well."  
  
"Won't he be surprised?" asked Lucius, pouring them another drink of whiskey.  
  
One minute past time and Professor Snape was late! The students exchanged quizzical looks. This *never* happened.  
  
"Maybe we should-" began Hermione, but was interrupted when the door burst open and in swept Snape. Behind him was none other than Lucius Malfoy, clutching the end of Snape's voluminous black robes; a wry grin on his face.  
  
Draco did a double take.  
  
"Father?"  
  
Snape abruptly came to a halt, causing Lucius to ram into him.   
  
"Let go, you moron!" hissed Snape, seizing his robes from Lucius' manicured hands and facing the astonished students. "Today we are going to make a-"  
  
"Pimp hat!" roared Lucius and burst into uproarious laughter as he leaned against Snape for support.  
  
"Be silent and sit down," ordered Snape, pointing to an empty chair.  
  
"I am not a student."  
  
"Sit!"  
  
"Yes, daddy."  
  
Lucius seated himself beside Lavender, who blushed while Parvati giggled.  
  
"Now." Snape strode to the blackboard, reached for the chalk, and lost his balance in the process. He fell to his knees with many an inappropriate curse.  
  
"Not now, Severus! You are not to be disciplined until this evening," stated Lucius.  
  
"Shut up, you!" retorted Snape and began to laugh in a disturbing, drunken manner.  
  
The students were absolutely horrified; some in a good way.  
  
"Hey, Malfoy, I didn't know your old man swings that way. I guess it explains the ponytail." whispered Harry.  
  
"Shove it, Potter!" snarled Draco, sinking as low as he could at the table.  
  
"Professor...are you all right?" inquired Hermione.  
  
"Five points from Gryffindor for talking to me. Now, Miss Granger, team up with Longbottom so you can help him out of his pants-I mean-"   
  
Snape slapped his forehead while Lucius and several others roared with laughter.  
  
Neville gave Hermione what might have passed for a hopeful expression. With flaming cheeks, Hermione glared at Ron, whose laughter rang above the rest.  
  
"Everyone partner up so you can mix this shit up," directed Snape, stumbling to his desk and sitting on the edge. Teaching was damnably hard work.  
  
Lucius raised his hand and asked, "Do I have to mix the potion as well, Severus?"  
  
"I don't know! Don't bother me right now, Lucius."  
  
"Professor-"  
  
"Miss Granger, do you have pubic lice or are you simply trying to pester me to death?"  
  
"But-what potion are we making?" Hermione wanted to know.  
  
"Take your pick. You have an entire book full of them," replied Snape and sank onto his chair.  
  
Lucius borrowed Lavender's textbook, oblivious of the longing gazes both she and Parvati bestowed upon him.  
  
"Touch his cane," Parvati dared her friend.  
  
"Only if you touch it too!" replied Lavender. Both girls squealed with giggles.  
  
"Potter!" shouted Snape, jumping to his feet and falling forward. Luckily, the desk supported his fall.  
  
"Uh, yeah?" Harry was hard put not to show his amusement.  
  
"I order you to get on your table and do exactly as I say."  
  
"I'd rather not."  
  
"You will, or I shall force you to smell my shoe!"  
  
Lucius looked up from instructing Parvati and Lavender, who were ready to melt into puddles, and said, "Make him dance, Severus. Draco, would you like to see Potter dance?"  
  
In truth, Draco didn't particularly care, though he brightened at the idea of humiliating Potter.  
  
"Why, yes, father. I would love to see Potter dance."  
  
Snape tossed a banjo at Neville.  
  
"Play this!" he commanded evilly, before turning and billowing around the class for a dramatic effect.  
  
"B-b-but s-sir, what abb-bout m-my potion?"  
  
"Play or I shall make you dance with a dildo strapped to your head, Longbottom."  
  
In a rare mood, Hermione cursed the banjo strings so that they would not play. True to his word, Snape produced a dildo from the folds of Lucius Malfoy's expensive robes and strapped it to poor Neville's head.  
  
"It-It's heavy!"  
  
"Quit whining, Longbottom. Now, get up there with Potter and dance."  
  
"Merlin's crackwhore! What else do you keep in your cloak, Mr. Malfoy?"  
  
"This is very wrong!"  
  
"Hermione, why are you smiling? This is disturbing."  
  
"Disturbing? This is the best thing we've learned since coming to this damn school."  
  
"Dance!" Snape ordered of Harry and Neville.  
  
"Well, what kind of dance are we supposed to do?" asked Harry, to stall the inevitable.  
  
"Anything!"  
  
"I warn you, Professor, I have two left feet."  
  
"And I was born with two left testicles, Potter. Now dance!"  
  
With a shrug, Harry half-heartedly jumped around imitating those club kids he'd seen on television at the Durselys. Neville; however, took things much too seriously and tried to dance like John Travolta in "Dance Fever". Most unfortunately, the wizarding world had also gone through a disco phase back in the 70's. Anyway, seeing Neville dance was bad enough, for he had no grace. The dildo only got in the way, as it was a rather large one. Well, who wouldn't be distracted by a heavy appendage dangling right between his/her eyes?  
  
Hermione must have been having a grand time indeed, for she pointed and laughed hysterically. The other students either watched or did homework from their other classes. Parvati and Lavender proceed to brush Lucius Malfoy's long blond hair into a ponytail and tied it with a purple ribbon. Lucius did not mind due to the fact he was passed out drunk. The only thing that could have possibly made the scene weirder was if Sirius Black happened to drop by, which he did. Sirius wore leather chaps and gold underwear because MTV told him this is a very sexy fashion statement.  
  
Everyone paused and held his/her breath. Would Sirius be angry? Would he yell? Worse still, would he preach a sermon on the evils of pleasurable sex in any way, shape or form?  
  
"Merlin's jewel encrusted phallus! Is that Neville Longbottom dancing with an immensely enormous dildo strapped to his head?" exclaimed the sultry Sirius.  
  
"Aye," responded the students.  
  
"We need some real music, then!"  
  
Sirius switched on the radio attached to his leather chaps. Aerosmith's "Big Ten Inch" blasted through the dungeon.  
  
"Oh yeah!" shrieked Hermione as Sirius began to dance and add lib lyrics.  
  
"She just loves it when I whip out my big ten inch!" sang Sirius, gyrating his hips. The girls screamed and giggled.  
  
Snape produced another bottle of whiskey and began to drink quite liberally. Lucius woke up and joined him. Sirius removed his leather chaps and swung them above his head like a lasso. Someone absolutely howled! It was Professor Lupin.  
  
"Move it, Longbottom. I'm the star!" shouted Sirius, pushed Neville off the table, and hopped about in his gold underwear and red cowboy boots.  
  
Hermione un-strapped the immensely enormous dildo from Neville's head and gave it a good washing under the gargoyle's mouth in the sink. Unbelievably drunk by this time, Lucius shared with the class what else he kept inside his robes:  
  
A bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup  
  
An Etch-A-Sketch  
  
A pair of edible underwear-licorice flavored  
  
Dental floss  
  
An old Fleetwood Mac album  
  
An axe  
  
A VHS copy of Wille Wonka and the Chocolate Factory  
  
A button  
  
A paddle  
  
A picture of Arthur Weasley eating banana bread  
  
Several ticket stubs for midnight showings of "Bonfire of the Panties"  
  
A leather bit and  
  
One of Draco's baby teeth  
  
For the grand finale, Sirius conjured a wrestling ring, disrobed, and proceeded to wrestle with Lupin, who was rather good at wrestling. Some of the students squirted oil onto various parts of Sirius' nude body. Normally, Snape would be furious at the two Marauders stealing the show, but Snape was so intoxicated he sat inside Harry's cauldron. He sat there and pretended to be the Red Baron in hot pursuit of Snoopy and his flying dog house. Needless to say, there was quite a raucous in the gloomy dungeon. Word eventually reached Dumbledore, who sighed and lay down his quill, promising the other professors he would investigate the situation.  
  
Funky techno-music reached the Headmaster's ears long before he approached Snape's class. Not bothering to knock, Dumbledore walked on in, fervently hoping the irritable Potions Master was not playing host to a group of drunken Death Eaters. An immensely enormous dildo soared through the air as the Headmaster waded into the crowd of students getting their groove on...or trying to, at least. When Dumbledore's ears adjusted to the blaring music, he realized it to be a sped up version of the Charlie Brown theme song. The students, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin, were dancing just like the Peanuts gang.  
  
Lavender Brown hopped and bobbed her head from side to side. Draco Malfoy did the sleepwalking dance. Sirius did that weird pelican-type move where you hunch up your shoulders, pause, then switch sides and do it again. Harry and Ron danced just like Linus and Lucy. Lucius Malfoy had run out of items to show everyone, so he stood atop a piano being played by Gilderoy Lockhart and twirled his cane in the air with a toothy smile. Snape, wearing a long red scarf and black goggles, was passed out in Harry Potter's cauldron. Crikey! This is starting to sound like a scene out of "Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas"!  
  
Dumbledore cleared his throat and the music instantly stopped.  
  
"Whose idea was this?" Dumbledore wanted to know.  
  
The jumble of pointed fingers eventually landed on Lucius Malfoy, who quickly pointed at Snape, who began to snore.  
  
"Ugh! Shut him up! He sounds like a moose with sinus problems," complained Ron, covering his ears with his hands.  
  
Dumbledore looked stern and said, "I am not going near Severus. He might snort me up that enormous schnoz of his; a terrible fate, indeed!"  
  
Everyone laughed. Then, as if by magic, the music continued and a good time was had by all.  
  
~FIN~  
  
A/N: I don't own any of the Peanuts characters, concepts or dance moves. Check with the late Charles Schultz and his estate. 


End file.
